It's Raining Forties

So let me throw it back for you all circa freshman year welcome week, which should be labeled – literally biggest slobfest of one’s life. Whether it was awkwardly hooking up with the boy who lived across the hall from you and never talking to him again (HEY TWINNIE), losing your shoes at SplashBash (which is the epitome of an STD) and walking home barefoot, going to Fifth Quarter (still don’t know where it was), or actually going to one of the following (or all of them) – rAvEPi, Tight and Bright, Sig Black Out, or any form of a white out party. #totalfreshmanmove

However, I was the biggest offender of all, PiKapps Foam Party. Yes, I was there and as hard as I try, I can’t forget it. Let me start by explaining part of my night, or at least what I think was that night. I pregamed with my “friends”, because let’s be real, most Freshman Year Welcome Week Friends – FYWWF for short, really won’t be your friends past October. So as freshman do, we looked up on facebook to see what frats were throwing down. Once we decided a game plan and tried to figure out the locations of where all these frat houses were we were on our way. Usually lead by my dear Daniel Chinsky – not sure if he was with us this particular night but still deserves a shoutout – WHATUP CHINSKY!!!

So as you know freshman travel in herds and can be spotted from miles away. Freshman if you are reading it, don’t be ashamed, we have all been there. Anywho let’s skip forward to PiKapps Foam Party debacle. So if anyone is familiar with PiKapps – I am assuming most people reading this aren’t – it is on Lincoln next to the notoriously intriguing Metal Frat.

So my friends and I show up and are like “OMGZZZZ foam party!!!!! We are soooo college!!” (If you knew me freshman year, I am sorry). So we go up to the “bar” and get wonderful shots of something that resembles rubbing alcohol, but let’s be real – now me and Crown Russe are like buds; obviously not my drink of choice, but I can down that shit like a champ. Then we decide to go outside and play, dance, mingle, do whatever co-eds do in the foam.

So we are dancing, foam is pouring off the roof, music is blaring, I don’t think I am wearing shoes anymore – but who cares I’M AT COLLEGE WOOOHOOOO. Then it hits me. OWWW. My friends just stare at me and say “Mira, OMG, are you okay!?!?” I rub my head, because it feels as if something hit me, but I’m not sure, and right as I say “Yeah, guys I’m fine” I AM ON THE FUCKING GROUND. Like yeah it sucks that I passed out, blacked out, got concussed, or whatever you want to call it for a good 10 seconds, but it was on the porch of PiKapps during their FOAM PARTY…. EWWWWW.

So after my friends lift me from the ground and sit me on the bench, I realize I WAS HIT IN THE HEAD WITH A FUCKING GLASS FORTY. Some genius at the metal frat thought “oh Hey, this is empty let’s just throw it over the fence!” NOT COOL METAL FRAT BOY.  So after rubbing my head for about 2 minutes we decide the best thing would be to GET MORE DRINKS! (Why I did not leave right then and there, I don’t know) Somehow that story went viral with our friends, maybe it was because my roommate was Zussman and she knows the world or maybe it was because I got hit in the head with a glass forty and that’s fucking hilarious. But if that was how Welcome Week Freshman Year was, you can just predict the next four years of my life.

I Punched A Girl And I Liked It

Have you ever felt the uncontrollable need to punch a bitch? I don’t mean like “oh yeah that girl sucks I would totally punch her” I mean the “who the fuck do you think you are – get the fuck back or else I’ll punch you” punch a bitch feeling. I consider myself a pretty non-violent, more verbally abusive type of girl but I can stand my own ground. And that girl in the white tee in the attic of the frat house didn’t even suspect a thing.

So let me set the scene: sophomore year, over-crowded, overly slutty, welcome week highlighter party (because it is all the rage to have strangers write inappropriate phrases on your shirt) – bitch I love my white tees, don’t fuck up my white tee. And I find myself having to pee for like the 400 time. My trusty Chi Phi companions Amanda and Michelle and I decide to pee in the attic bathroom because there’s never a line and always toilet paper (a novelty bathroom if you will).

As we run up the stairs there is a girl standing at the top of the stairs acting like she owns the place in a black shirt if you will: I mean I’m not the biggest highlighter party fan but I’m not fucking emo either – get with it. She looks at us and says “You can’t be up here you have to go back downstairs”. I try to politely explain I am here for lavatorial usage only. She doesn’t seem to be complying so we bumrush the bathroom and lock the door on her. Yeah she wasn’t too happy.

When we come out of the bathroom she is standing there, hands on her hips and tapping her foot like she is the principal of this frat house. “You girls can’t be up here!!! I told you that! Go down stairs now!” So as the deviants we are, we run into the room in the attic that is basically the pledge hook up room. So we are chilling in the room for awhile (other stories about cock blocking an asian and peeing in a garbage can to come), I realized I had to go to the bathroom AGAIN. We have been in this room for a pretty long time though so I’m assuming Principal Black Shirt Bitch will be gone.

I open the door and BAM there is she. She GRABS my arm and says “I already told you girls you couldn’t be up here!!! “ And let me tell you – yell at me all you want, I can take it don’t worry but when you physically abuse me and I don’t even KNOW you – woooof bad day. So I just stop and look at the Black Shirt Bitch and say “WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?!” and decked her.

Following that I obviously screamed “RUN!!!!” and me and my little crew of bathroom deviants fled the scene. Only to later find out that Principal Black Shirt Bitch was on standards board. But all I have to say is corporal punishment is not okay to reprimand children in anyways Principal Black Shirt Bitch and I’ve never wanted to punch someone more in my life than at that moment (it could’ve been the vodka and my urge to pee but still) and it felt great.